Answers To Your Dating & Relationship Questions
This is probably one of the most asked about topics that we get from our readers, which makes sense since we make comics about our lesbian relationship... 😅
We compiled our answers to all your dating and relationship questions below–we'll continue to add to this as we go so feel free to continue to submit your questions here.
How did you two meet and how long have you been together?
We met when we were both recent college grads who had just moved to California for our new jobs. I made the first move and reached out to Chia on OkCupid (a now ancient dating app) and we have been together ever since (5 ½ years and counting)!
To learn more about the backstory, you can read our comics about How We Met here:
When did you decide to move in together and how did you manage any obstacles (finances, parents, etc.)?
We were the typical U-haul lesbians (i.e. we moved in together basically after the first month of dating). We were both fortunate enough to be adults who were financially independent at the time and living on our own.
If you’re younger, you might not have the same luxury just yet, so we would encourage you to focus on ways you can become independent first and supporting yourself before deciding to move in together with your partner. There are also a lot of things you both can do together without having to move-in.
When did you know you loved each other and that they were the one?
When we went on our first date, the emotional connection and physical attraction for us was both immediate. The more I talked to Chia, the more time I wanted to spend with her–the world could’ve stop and I wouldn’t have noticed.
I knew I loved her when I had this strong urge to tell/come out to my mom about our relationship. Chia was the one I wanted to tell everyone in my life about.
Some other important signs that told me knew she was the one:
- We share the same values and want the same things in life.
- She’s my best friend and I’m 110% myself when I’m around her.
- Being with her feels like home.
- She has beauty, brains, and the best sense of humor.
- We’re always growing together and supporting one another.
What are some things you like and don’t like about each other?
There are too many things I love about Chia to list them all here, but here's a silly comic about the things we like about each other:
And here are the comics about how we annoy each other as well 😂:
Do you two get into arguments and how do you resolve them?
Yes! We're just like every other couple in the world and will have our disagreements from time to time, but our goal is to always resolve them together.
Throughout the years, we've learned a few tips about how to do that effectively–you can check out our dos and don'ts of resolving an argument.
You can also read our comic about arguments.
Are lesbian couples' arguments different from straight couples?
Great question! In our experience, we find that no two relationships–whether lesbian or straight–are the same and how couples argue stem largely from individual personalities and how each person approaches/resolves conflict rather than from sexual orientation.
For instance, in both of our relationships with women, they were all very different from one another and we had very different types of arguments with our partners at the time.
With that said, there are some general differences and similarities between lesbian and straight couples when it comes to arguing, namely:
- It’s easier for us (lesbians) to put ourselves in the other person’s shoes.
- We have unique topics/challenges that we argue about.
- There's less adherence to a strict gender role structure so both parties tend to be on more equal footing during arguments.
We go into a more detailed explanation about these differences and similarities in our blog post here.
How do you get a girlfriend?
This was the million dollar question when I was gay and closeted growing up.
While I don't have a playbook for getting a girlfriend (and I still wonder how I convinced Chia to be my girlfriend), here are some tips that might be helpful:
- Use apps that can help you meet other LGBTQ people. One of the most challenging parts of dating as a lesbian is knowing whether someone is gay or not (we have a comic about that here). Thankfully, nowadays technology has given us the tools to find others in our community much more easily and a quick Google search will give you plenty of options. As with all technology though, be careful with how you use them and what information you’re revealing about yourself–safety should take first priority.
- Meet someone through your network or in different interest groups. If dating apps aren’t your thing, then try joining different clubs and activities (it can but doesn’t have to be LGBTQ related) that you’re interested in to meet others–having common interests and hobbies is a great way to start a relationship. You can also utilize your network of friends and/or colleagues. Keep an open mind when it comes to meeting new people. Sometimes the most fruitful meetings can happen in unexpected ways and places.
- If you have a crush, be genuinely interested in learning more about them. Once you’ve met someone you like and know that they're also gay (or that there’s a high chance that they might be gay), then now’s the time to get to know them as a person! If your crush is straight (sigh)–we know how dejecting that feels, but your best bet is to just keep swimming, just keep swimming.
- Muster up the courage to tell them your feelings! This is the scariest part, but there’s usually a point during your friendship/getting to know this person phase that you’ll start feeling a deeper connection to them (both physically and emotionally). You’ll know when the best timing is, but telling them you like them is the tipping point. Be sincere and thoughtful–choose an appropriate medium/way to tell them. There may be a lot of reasons why you might not want to tell them you like them (i.e. you don’t want to ruin your friendship, etc.), but if you never cross this line, you’ll never know how they feel about you either. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.
- Be patient. Even after you tell someone you like them, they need time to process. Don’t expect an immediate response back or even for them to reciprocate their feelings for you. I know it feels vulnerable to leave your cards all on the table, but that’s part of the process of love and relationships.
- Always be you. There’s no point in pretending to be someone you’re not just to get a crush to like you–if they don’t get to know the real, authentic you, there’s a chance the relationship won’t work out in the long-run even if you two do get together.
What are your tips for lesbian dating in high school?
I had my first girlfriend in high school and at the time, I wasn’t out to anyone yet. So our relationship was always secretive and we would only hang out together after school or on weekends.
That said, here are some tips I have for dating in high school:
- Agree to how public you want to be about your relationship. Don't violate this agreement with your partner.
- Give each other enough space in and outside of school. It's ok to not have the same friend groups and have different family obligations.
- Support one another in ways a BFF would. You have each other's back no matter what.
- Prioritize your education first. I know it’s easier said than done, but girlfriends in high school will come and go–but doing well in school sets you up for your long-term future.
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year, but we are both still really young and I'm worried it won't last–any advice?
This is a tough one and I can definitely understand and relate to this. When you’re young and in the moment, it feels like nothing in the world can change how you feel about this person and that you’ll be together forever no matter what happens.
This might sound a bit harsh, but as much as we all want our childhood sweethearts to last, chances are when we’re young, we are still figuring a lot of things out, which means that a lot of things will change later on.
As an adult, when I look back at my relationships as a teenager (hindsight is always 20/20), none of them really had the potential to last.
And it’s completely ok to be heartbroken if things don’t last, but know that you will meet new people and find love again in the future.
Focus on being the best partner you can be in the moment and enjoy what you two do have together–every relationship is a valuable learning experience–but don’t place all your hopes and dreams into your childhood relationships.
What advice do you have for long-distance relationships?
Long-distance is really really hard. I had a long-term, long-distance relationship before Chia and I talk more about that experience as well as share my tips here.
How do you deal with a breakup when in an LGBT relationship? Do you stay friends?
It really depends on the relationship you have with this person and how you two want to cope with the breakup. For some, they might need a lot more space and aren’t ready to be friends yet. Or this person might be very toxic and you’d be better off not remaining friends.
On the other hand, if you still want this person to be a part of your life and are willing to work on rebuilding your friendship, then it’s worth giving it a shot, but just know that it takes time.
Another consideration is if you both end up dating other people, you’ll have to factor in how your new partner feels about your history and friendship and make sure that all parties are comfortable with and respected in the situation.
What is your type?
Aside from wishing that Chia liked basketball, she’s my ideal partner and “type”.
To get to the specifics, these are the most important qualities that I look for in a partner:
- Are they loyal? Are we on the same-page when it comes to commitment?
- Are they intellectually curious? Can we have conversations about a variety of topics and interests?
- Do they have a growth-mindset? Do they strive for self-improvement and growth in our relationship?
- Are they hardworking and dependable? Can I count on them on both the little and big things in life?
- Do they make me laugh? Laughter is the key to a happy relationship.
- Is there a physical, romantic, and emotional connection? I think Chia has the best smile and brain. :)
- Are we equals? At the end of the day, I want someone to be my equal, who respects and challenges me to be the best version of myself.
How do you find the right life partner?
Finding the right life partner is one of the most important decisions you can make in life.
When you're young, you might have more superficial needs and wants in a partner, but as you get older, you realize that there are only a few essential qualities that your ideal life partner must have.
Chia and I are both very lucky and grateful to have found each other and one of the best articles we've read about finding the right life partner is by Wait But Why, which we've summarized for you here.
Will you guys ever get married?
If we do, it would most likely be a secret wedding where we elope to a beautiful island with just the two of us.
Neither of us are fans of big, elaborate weddings in the traditional sense. At a minimum, you spend a year planning and executing your wedding not to mention the cost of weddings–even if you DIYed everything (but then you’d be spending even more hours planning it) and we’d just rather spend that time and money on something else.
For some people, having a wedding is their dream, but it never was something we grew up fantasizing about. We both also tend to shy away from the spotlight and weddings are the opposite of that.
From a commitment perspective, this doesn't change anything for us. In practice, we already consider ourselves a married couple.
That said–we are really grateful for the hard fought right for LGBTQ people to get married and be recognized as equals under the law. It's always heartwarming to see LGBTQ people tie the knot because we understand how significant that moment is and how many would die for that right. We don't take this for granted at all, but a big wedding and party just isn't for us.
Will you guys ever have or adopt kids?
Most likely not. Even though many of our friends are having and raising kids, and we’re glad that they’re raising the next generation, for us, we value our freedom and autonomy the most and want to build a life around that.
We had several discussions with a few of our close LGBTQ friends about their decisions to have kids and it was quite enlightening for us. In general, while having kids can be a rewarding experience, we felt as though it was important to go into the process with a strong desire to be parents.
Neither of us currently has that prerequisite interest in having kids and we didn't think it would do justice to a new human life to go into the process half-heartedly.
What’s the most awkward moment you’ve had together in your relationship?
We're both very comfortable with being weird around each other so it's hard to think of any awkward moments, but we'll keep thinking... 😅
What was the best surprise you did for each other?
We didn’t intentionally try to surprise each other in this way, but our very first Christmas together turned out to be one of the best surprises:
You can read the story in our comic here: